Archive for July, 2005


If someday you find yourself in a situation where, 1) you can’t speak French, 2) you’ve seen Pulp Fiction one too many times, 3) you’re somewhere in France, and 4) you need to buy a train ticket from a French person, chances are good the following might happen…

A tourist walks up to the ticket counter at a train station in central Paris to buy a train ticket to Charles de Gaulle airport.

Tourist: “Could I have one train ticket to Charles de Gaulle Airport please.”
Ticket man: “What?”
Tourist: “One ticket to Charles de Gaulle please.”
Ticket man: “What?”
Tourist: “Wan… Teekit… Charles de Gaulle…”
Ticket man: “What?”
Tourist: “What country you from?”
Ticket man: “What?”
Tourist: “What? That ain’t no country I ever heard of! Do you speak English in What?”
Ticket man: “What?”
Tourist: “English mother7uck3r, do you speak it?”
Ticket man: “Ci.”
Tourist: “Then you understand what I’m sayin’?”
Ticket man: “Ci.”
Tourist: “Then give me one train ticket to Charles de Gaulle Airport please!”
Ticket man: “What?”
Tourist: “Say ‘What’ again! C’mon, say =’What’ again! I dare you, I double dare you, mother7uck3r. Say ‘What’ one more goddamn time!”
Ticket man: “What?”

It is usually round about now that most people realise that they are not going anywhere sometime soon, especially not to the airport on a train.

To avoid this kind of situation, I recommend that you rather learn to speak fluent French before you travel to France, because in France they speak French and not English!

July 31st, 2005 10 Comments


Yeehaw! After 3 weeks of pain, Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France for the record breaking 7th time in a row. Sadly he also retired from the sport of professional cycling and we’ll never know if he could have won it an 8th time. Personally I think he was in such good form this year that he could have ridden another Tour to victory. However I’d rather see him retire on top of his sport, than risk the chance of failing because he wanted to win “just 1 more time”. I don’t think the millions of Lance Armstrong fans would be able to handle it if Lance does not finish first in the Tour, I know I’d be pretty bummed out!

As Phil Liggett would say, Lance has “stamped his authority on the Tour de France once and for all”. He has achieved everything he possibly could in the Tour, winning it an 8th time wouldn’t make any difference!

Finally however, fans of the Tour de France can look forward to a new man in yellow next year! A part of me would like to see Jan Ulrich at last win it for a 2nd time, but somehow I doubt if it’s gonna happen. Next year my money is on Ivan Basso, with Alexander Vinokourov, Michael Rasmussen and Jan Ulrich fighting it out for 2nd and 3rd and 4th place.

Damn, the Tour of 2005 is over, and I have to return to reality where it is impossible to cycle a distance of 3 400km in 21 days! It is, isn’t it?

July 24th, 2005 1 Comment


For the last 2 weeks my efficiency as a human being has withered away. This is due to the fact that I’ve once again hopelessly succumbed to one of my addictions. Like all addictions, this one is extremely difficult to get rid of, if not impossible. The best way to handle it is to succumb to the addiction and wait it out until it goes away by itself. Luckily this addiction can only affect its victims each year during 3 weeks in July. If this was not the case, me and the millions of addicts around the world possibly would have faced a life of sleep, work, TV, sleep… This addiction goes by the name of the Tour de France and it is brought to millions of helpless addicts every day for three weeks in dosages of at least 4 hours per day! Who could possibly kick a habit when it is legally served up on a plate, live to our living rooms every day!

Here are 10 reasons why I love watching the Tour de France.

1. It’s the most physically draining event on the sporting calendar every year, and South Africa is one of only 9 countries in the world where you can see every second of the race live on TV.
2. If anybody asks me to do something remotely related to “domestic chores”, I have the right to refuse… I’m watching the Tour dammit, and it requires my undivided attention. (Yes, even if my eyes are closed when requested to do the “chore”)
3. The live broadcast is repeated every night so that we don’t have to miss anything due to insignificant obligations like work.
4. It’s addictive. It’s starts when you come home one day and quickly turn on the TV just to see what happened in the Tour that day. Before you know it you’re nailed to the TV every night for 2 hours “just to see who won that day”.
5. You’re practically traveling and watching the TV at the same time. The Tour passes through some of the most scenic parts of France.
6. It’s Lance Armstrong’s last Tour de France and he’s attempting to win it for a record breaking 7th time in a row…
7. … and if he keeps on kicking ass like he’s been doing for the last 2 weeks he is going to win it for a 7th time.
8. Say what you want, deep down inside of everybody there’s a part of you that enjoys seeing those crashes, just a little.
9. I’m a cyclist myself, a very, very amateurish one, but a cyclist nonetheless.
10. I get to see something impossible being done live on TV. Let’s face it, it is impossible to cycle an average distance of 200km per day for 3 weeks up the slopes of some of the steepest mountains in the world.

July 17th, 2005 1 Comment